African men have an obsession with cars. When a man talks about his car, it is not just a mode of transportation. It’s his pride. His status symbol. The thermometer of life. Telling all if life is treating you well or things are rough at the moment.
African men are not like wazungus like Mr. $20 Billion aka Zuckerberg who own half the stars in the galaxy but still drives a Tesla. We hold an obsession with our wheels. We like our cars, black, sleek and shiny. Unless you are one of those chaps that drinks tea with your little pinky finger up, then you probably like your car in white.
You see to an African, the kind of car you drive introduces you as a man. It determines whether you will park in the armpit of a parking lot, next to a dumpster where no living soul can see the humiliation on your face, or slowly ease into the very front of Primetime Bar and Grill for the world to see, wewe ni jogoo!
If you are an African man, and you drive a minivan. The whole continent has judged you my friend. In one universal language, you have told the citizens from the cradle of mankind, that your wife wears the pants in the house, controls your bank account and you probably wear a leso at home to hold your baby as you cook yams and Ugali in the kitchen.
But if you are the most interesting man in the world, also known as DJ Edge, you drive something special. A machine that will tell the world that you are not just a jogoo, you are THE Jogoo.
So I was at Primetime bar this past Choma Sunday. I quietly sat in my usual spot on the patio, while playing cancerous Russian roulette with my cigars and I watched and observed. The CAO 770 cigar I had just lit was smooth and tasty. As I puffed my lungs away, here comes Dj Edge.
This young chap looks extra excited!
Maybe its coz Dulo is not around, and he can now eat proper. Dj Edge sits down next to me. “Niaje Karoki!” Before I had a chance to respond, he points outisde and says, “manze look at my new whip!”
I look curiously outside the fence, take my cigar out of my mouth and ask, “That’s your ride?”He answered confidently, like a kamwana who just concluded his circumcision ceremony, “Oh yer!”
You see my friends sitting outside the fence, shining in the Texas sun and occupying 2 parking spaces like a fat banker, was Dj Edge’s new ride, a brand new Porsche Panamera. I congratulated him on his new car. Being a promoter is good money these days, I tell you!
Just a few years ago, when we were twenty somethings, still partying at Otaru in Addison, I used to help DJ Edge load up his speakers from his old Audi. It was one of those, “I am not there yet, but am on my way” type of cars. So seeing him driving that sleek four door Porsche with premium, plush leather interior was pleasant to see.
Then Zahir aka Mr. Steal your grandma aka Mr. Husbands of Milimani, sat Gitau down (Gitau is Dj Edge’s government name) and proceeded to tell him how he needs to act now that he has a 570Hp Porsche Panamera. Some wisdom from a seasoned gentleman.
Zahir also known as Chef Ramsey, proceeds to educate the young man that he now needs to upgrade his caliber of women. Nothing short of an 8 should sit in the front seat! That instead of referring to a girl with a big ass, a Porsche man will eloquently say, “She’s a 12 bottom with an 8 top”.
The rest of the night Dj Edge was a new man. He dumped his Heineken and was now drinking nothing short of a Macallan 12 scotch aged in fine sherry casks. He would look at guys who drive Toyotas like how guys who drink blended whiskey look at Single Malt guys. By the way, have you noticed that jamaas who drive Toyotas only drink beer? It is always either Corona or a Michelob Ultra, and occasionally a Heineken. Unless you’re an Uber driver, then you drink Budweiser.
Life is good for DJ Edge. The money we spend at Primetime has elevated the man to new heights. His clothes no longer hang on him like a jealous lover. He has stopped smoking cigarettes and now smokes Perdomo Cigars. Now that he drives a Porsche Panamera, DJ Edge has stopped wearing old spice cologne and now daps on something fancy like Lacoste Noir. In the evening, after enjoying a drive on George Bush(not 635), you will find him at home watering his flowers and nursing his buds to life.
Maisha ni mzuri.
So next time you see DJ Edge, have him show you his new ride and give him a pat on his back! The African man and his car.