7 types of people you’ll find at Choma Sunday

 

Betty the Tourist

I call her Betty the tourist. However, she’s not your regular world traveler. No she has no frequent flyer miles from American Airlines. Betty has not been to Monaco or Aruba. Betty has not even been to Miami.

Her passport has only two stamps.

The one that she received at JKIA when she left Kenya for Dallas, and the one she received when she arrived at Terminal D, DFW airport

Betty is a dick tourist. There is no African country she has not smashed. The Nigerian promoter, the real estate guy from Ghana, the UBER driver from Kenya, the shisha guy from Ethiopia, the truck driver from Uganda, and even the CNA from Burkina Faso! This woman is the damn OAU (organization of African Unity). You will find her located strategically by the bar waiting for a ride to Congo.

She is unquenchable. She lves it more than you do. Her bills will always be paid. She will always drive a nice car. She will continue to tour the continent like a wandering mzungu. David Liviingston and Henry Sterling have nothing on her.

Oscar the Evangelist

Oscar is saved. I am telling you this man is Reinhardt Bonke’s right hand man. There is not a “kesha” he has not missed. His bible is well worn. A sign of the man’s diligence. Oscar is a good man, and loves the Lord with fervor of Jimmy Swaggart.

But with all his righteousness, he misses one thing, a woman. Someone to go home to. To cuddle when the bitter winter arrives or to fetch him a drink in the brutal Texas summer. He knows Primetime is full of curvaceous, juicy daughters of the Lord.

So to quench his thirst. Oscar, will drive down to Primetime to survey what the Lord has for him.  He manages to secure a parking spot on the far corner of the strip mall. His vehicle is well known to church folks, so he doesn’t want to send the wrong signal.  After donning his sunglasses, Oscar quietly walks in to primetime. He finds a quiet corner, right next to the kitchen door. No one really goes to that corner, but it offers the best views of God’s creations. For the next 3 hours, Oscar will quietly sip on his Coca Cola while whispering, hallelujah at every beauty that walks in those double doors and hopes…that of them comes to say hello. Next time you see Oscar the Evangelist, buy him a beer and have Betty twerk his pecker, to a resurrection of Lazarus proportions.

 Hamme the thief

Lord I hate thieves. People who prey on other’s hard earned belongings. This one is a serial kleptomaniac. There is nothing that Hamme has not stolen. Panties, cell phones, dresses, anything with a touch screen, anything that beeps, husbands etc. It is said that she stole her visa from the US embassy by posing as a janitor, and promptly stamped her own visa and the next day she was thieving in America.

It is well advised to watch your property around Hamme. Watch your kids. Watch your husbands. She will plunder and swindle while you are mesmerized by her big posterior.

Jonny and Mary

Jonny and Mary are the perfect couple with 2 perfect kids. They come to Prime to just eat, drink and go home. Jonny and Mary don’t fight in public. They are normal human beings. Normal human beings are boring. Don’t be like Jonny and Mary. Let’s move on..

DJ Darkeness

Then we have Dj Darkeness. This is a smh category. This man has not DJ’d since The Virgin Mary’s baby shower. Nani alimuita DJ? We see him in all the flyers, but we have never seen him spin. Nope, you’ll not see him crouching behind a laptop, straining his eyes penuriously trying to do whatever it is these chaps do back there. Nonetheless, DJ Darkness will be at primetime, checking out your woman and drinking his boy’s drinks.

No one knows his government name.

Maybe he is a fugitive.

An absconder of justice.

No one knows where he came from. He just appeared one day and the next weekend he was on a flyer. We all know a few “DJ Darkeness” so you can go ahead and speculate amongst yourselves.

Ekim

Ekim is a penurious little bastard. He has no money. The oxford dictionary describes “Penurious” as someone who is niggardly with money, lacking money or means. What a niggardly bastard! But, that is not a problem with Ekim. Ekim will drink every weekend like a retired rapper. With his chain from Walmart, his white Tee, Beige Polyester shorts and shoes from Famous Footwear, he will confidently stride into Prime Time, vicariously high five everyone and hopes one of them hands him a beer. Ekim will then walk over to a table with a bucket of beer, and make himself comfortable. Beware of this niggardly fellow, he will be there again this Sunday.

Myra the Beauty

My friends, this woman is a beauty to behold. A quintessential ice queen. When Myra walks in to Prime, she evokes so many torque vectoring emotions. Myra holds an air of success and untouched beauty. One can only think of animalistic sex when she passes by you. Her sweet perfume, gently piercing through the air. Her legs freshly waxed and gleaming in the light, her face as beautiful as a dove. Her skirt so tight, that you can see every muscle of her butt cheek move.

She is a stallion.

One to be ridden on the softest Egyptian sheets. No male talks to her. Like a Kenyan, they are too scared too approach. So we all look at her..until Okonkwo buys her a drink. The battle has ended before it even begun. We swing our bar stool back in position and ponder our lack of courage.

Welcome to Primetime.

Every Sunday from noon to 2am. Go see my boy Vince at the bar, tip him well and he will take care of you.

watcha think?

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